Friday, February 6, 2009

Q and A

Part 2 in our attempt to better understand Alexander Ameen: sociopath, loner, creep. Read the following interview at your own risk.

Q. What is it like being caught up in the gears of the military medical complex and what are the short- and long-term ramifications?

A. Well, the gears of the "complex" grind slowly, I can tell you that. You see, when you are dealing with socialized medicine, which is exactly what military health care is, you are surrendering to the necessary evils of said system. You will not have one doctor overseeing your treatment, making sure you're being advised properly ... no, you will have many doctors, each completely unaware of what the other has told you or what they intend to do to you. You will encounter redundancy of the highest order and your integrity will be called into question on numerous occasions.

Q. And the ramifications?

A. You will get lost in the abyss. You will drown. Ironic, being a Sailor and all.

Q. That seems like a bleak outlook on what some might consider a fortuitous situation. After all, you could be a civilian with no health insurance. You'd have to declare bankruptcy!

A. Is it true you used to masturbate into your mother's knee-high stockings?

Q. Oh ... dear. What an unsavory thing to ... well, let's move on, shall we? Are you making plans should this injury prevent you from completing your contract with the Navy?

A. Indeed! I originally intended to go to school with the money I'd get under the G.I. bill, but then I realized I hate school. Don't get me wrong, I love keggers and doin' lines right before class and casual sex with your professor and so on, but I hate all the learnin' and stuff. I learn better on my own; that's why they made Wikipedia, you know. No, I think I'm gonna move to L.A. and pursue a career in stand-up comedy.

Q. I see. Who are some of your influences in the comedy world?

A. I admire folks who manage to blend comedy into their everyday lives. For instance, I heard a story about how Lee Harvey Oswald used to do a little five-minute set at his work. Apparently, it just killed! Sometimes I'll turn on C-SPAN and watch the Prime Minister's questions before Parliament. Those fuckin' British!

Funny man Lee Harvey Oswald

Q. How would you explain the way the Navy works to a person who has no frame of reference?

A. I'd tell them it's just like looking at your face. It's ugly, it stinks and it has a raging case of acne. Oh, and a gay little mustache.

Q. To what do you attribute your overwhelming unkindness and biting sarcasm?

A. To what do you attribute your need to penetrate the anuses of little puppy dogs with your finger and than sniff it under the covers of your bed?
Q. I don't have to answer your questions, you pathetic little troll! You wield no power over me! I am my own man and I can do and say as I goddamn please, I'll tell you that! I love those puppies!!!

A. Checkmate, motherfucker.

Q. How could you do this to me? You've ... you've ruined me, that's what you've done. I'll show you!

A. Put that gun away! No, don't!

Comedy 101

Join us next time for part 3 of our 18-part interview. Until then, in the words of Mr. Ameen himself, "Pick your battles wisely."

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