Saturday, February 7, 2009

Bringing folks back into the fold

Yeah, I'm gonna start e-mailing this thing to you people again. I figure, what have I got to lose? Either you like it and laugh a little or you hate it and I don't give a shit. At least I know I won't offend you ... you sick fucks.

Issue #1
Don't invite me to join any more causes on Facebook. I'm not impressed you joined and I don't give a shit what other people think about my opinion on Darfur. Yup, poor black people aren't getting enough food every day. What else is new? Until you plan on going there with a couple loaves of bread and some fuckin' seeds, cut it out.

And yes, I realize Darfur is a lot more complicated than I just made it out to be but I don't really care. Fuck Darfur and fuck you.

Get a job, asshole.

Issue #2
The stimulus package is a BAD idea. It is. Sorry, it is. It's not a good idea. It is one more way for people in power to persuade you they have the ability to make your life better. Guess what, genius ... only you have that power. Sure, the government can help with loans for school and infrastructure and all of that, but anyone who actually thinks this package will turn the failing economy around is a dummy.

Issue #3
The military wastes more money than you could possibly imagine. How do I know this? Well, you know how I know, don't you? Perfect example: aircraft carriers will sometimes hold a Friends and Family Day Cruise for friends and family of the ship's crew. This might be fun and stuff but it is absolutely unnecessary to the operational readiness of these mighty warships. Guess how much money it costs to deploy a Nimitz-class aircraft carrier for one day. Go on, guess. What a fuckin' waste of time and money.

Issue #4
Did you see the Super Bowl ads? Weren't they funny? Wait a minute ... oh, that's right. Fuck the Super Bowl ads. I genuinely despise advertising. Every time I see some skinny, handsome, irreverent everyman waxing sarcastic about his car insurance or light beer I want to hijack airplanes. Not really. I wouldn't fly the plane into a building or anything ... geez, lighten up. But seriously, these ads are destroying my will to be a good human being. Fuck Taco Bell, fuck Budweiser, fuck Geico, fuck Doritos and fuck you for buying all their shit. Commercialism sucks a huge, black cock.

Issue #5
When did I get so tired? I went to bed at 9:30 last night. It was a Friday night! God damn it! I hate being over 30 and I hate being part of a system that encourages me to be a mindless fuckin' robot with no ability to dream about a better tomorrow. I love dreams ... especially dreams where I'm in a marshmallow house and I'm covered in chocolate sauce and I'm surrounded by Golden Retriever puppies who love me for who I am on the inside and not because I just bought some sweet Dolce and Gabbana sunglasses that make me look like a movie star. Fuck Dolce and Gabbana.

So, I thought this would help relieve some tension but it really just made me angrier. Fuck you. Oh yeah, check out for more blustery poppycock.

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