Q. What is your preferred method for dealing with roustabouts and ne'er-do-wells?
Q. Did you get a chance to peruse this year's Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue?
A. Did I?! You bet your sweet bippy, I did! Some people think that that issue objectifies women, but I'll tell ya, you should see some of the porn I normally look at! These Sports Illustrated models look like lil' Suzy Homemaker compared to ... I'll leave the rest to your imagination.
Q. Do you actually think pornography has a place in our society?
A. Yup. In fact, I think the main reason brown people want to blow us all up is because they don't see enough sweet, sweet titties. I kind of think titties are the answer to all of life's problems. Don't you?
Good ol' American titties ... take that, brown people! Strom Thurmond loved titties, but only on brown people. How ironic.
Q. I think you should let me ask the questions and you just keep giving me your insane answers.
A. Oh, I get it. You're one of those fancy boys, aren't you? You like to peek into the stalls when you go the bathroom and see if ...
Q. How dare you call my sexuality into question, you ignorant ass! Whom I choose to love is none of your god damn business. You should be ashamed.
A. I'm not.
Q. Now, let's get back to this interview. What are some of the issues you see affecting young people today and how do you think they can become part of the solution?
A. Without a doubt, the most important issue we all face daily is where our next meal is coming from. I mean, do I go to McDonalds or In and Out Burger? It's just crazy. How can I be expected to have the answer? Sometimes I look at the situation in Africa and I think how lucky those people are. They don't have to worry about making those tough decisions. They don't have to deal with the stress. I'd like to trade places with them, but not just cause of the whole "where to eat" thing. Those people don't use condoms cause they think your spirit will escape or some weird shit like that. I hate condoms! Sure, you've got the whole AIDS deal but what are the chances of catching AIDS in Africa? Pretty slim, I bet. And in the meantime, you're having yourself some wild latex-free lovin'.
Q. Oh dear.
Join us next time for part 4 of our 18-part interview. Until then, in the words of Mr. Ameen himself, "Pick your battles wisely."