Sunday, January 4, 2009

You almost got cancer

Uhh, when did it become OK for a doctor to look you dead in the eyes and say, "It might be nothing or it might be cancer."

That's completely uncool, right?

Well, this little nugget of fun smacked me in the nuts a few weeks ago and I've been quietly freaking out ever since. Turns out I don't have cancer. I have a fatty tumor in my left tibia.

So no big deal. Just maybe some bone grafts and some other shit, but no big deal.

So why did I almost have cancer? Why did my "doctor" feel it was necessary to give me a huge scare with the nonchalance of a rich Puerto Rican girl blowing off a dance with the fat, ugly boy her mom made her invite to her $75,000 Quinceanero?

Because I'm in the motherfucking Navy, that's why.

Guilty until proven innocent. Healthy until proven sick. Lying until proven truthful.

The military operates on a very delicate system of leadership: if I'm in charge, I am better than you. See how delicate that is?

When I go to the doctor onboard my ship, I am immediately assumed to be lying. The reason for this is "malingering." Malingering is when you pretend to be infirmed to get out of work. People in the Navy do it all the time because most people in the Navy have unbelievably shitty jobs.

I, however, do not malinger. I am in a lot of fucking pain and I just want to get fixed.

The reason I'm writing this is because I hope that someone in a position to change this flawed and dangerous system does so. I don't know if military docs swear a Hippocratic Oath, but if they do, they are violating it every day with this reckless behavior.

Can you possibly imagine if I did have cancer? I've been complaining about the pain in my leg for more than two years!

Anyway, I'm grateful for the free health care. Oh, and God - thanks for not giving me cancer. At least not yet.

1 comment:

  1. I'm glad you don't gots cancer too.