Sunday, October 12, 2008

Why elitism is good

That's it, people. I've had just about enough.

"I'm not voting for Barack Obama and Joe Biden because they're elitists," says Joe Sixpack. "Give me the Navy veteran and the down home girl any day of the week."

Let me tell you about the Navy. I'm in the Navy. Do you want to know who the smartest person I've ever met in the Navy was? It's me, that's who. I'm the smartest person I've ever met in the Navy. Scared?

You should be. John McCain graduated sixth from the bottom of his class at the Naval Academy. Guess what? The Naval Academy ain't Yale, that's for fuckin' sure.

However, the Naval Academy also isn't the University of Idaho. That's the prestigious institution that Sarah Palin received her undergraduate degree in journalism from. A Bachelor's in journalism ... yeah, she really doesn't seem to know very much about journalism, does she?

I desperately wish I could tell you that this all surprises me, but it doesn't. Re-thug-licans revel in their "altruistic" agenda and over-the-top jingoism, masquerading as "small-town values," but the truth is, the only thing conservatives care about is maintaining the status quo. They want everything to stay the same.

I've always held firm to the belief that stagnation is death and change is the law of life. If it's true that humans are evolving (and we are; just look at how the average height of a person has increased over time), then we must allow our society to evolve as well.

Re-thug-licans don't like change because it offends their "small-town values" (read: Christian values). But it is my contention that God wants everything to change, because the universe is in a constant state of entropy and God created the universe. Therefore, Re-thug-licans hate God.

I'll say it again. Republicans, conservatives, whatever you want to call them, are against God. They hate God because they hate the things that are His will. Now how in the world could this possibly have happened?

It is my contention that God wants man to become as smart as he possibly can. I believe this is true because God gave me the capacity to think for myself. He gave me the ability to be a leader of men without having to resort to violence. All I need to be great is my razor-sharp wit and dizzying intellect. Snap!

So, if God wants us to be super-smart, then wouldn't it stand to follow that we should elect the smartest people available for the most important shit? The answer is: yes, Alex, it would.

John McCain is not stupid, but he isn't brilliant, either. Sarah Palin makes my balls hurt. I think that's God's way of telling me that although I might find her physically attractive I should under no circumstances fuck her.

Let me repeat that. God makes my balls hurt when I see Sarah Palin because He does not want me to fuck her.

You got it, God! Besides, I already have a beautiful wife who doesn't make my balls hurt. So there.

Let's wrap this up. When you say that you're against elitism, what you're really saying is that you're against God. Stop hating God. He made you. You should love Him and be grateful and do what He wants.

And He REALLY wants you to stop being a huge moron. Elitism.

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