Wednesday, June 16, 2010

My blur

I've been struggling to live lately. I'm a dizzy mess. I'm a dizzy, lightheaded mess and I'm a nervous mess and the sirens won't stop whirring and I think they're about to come take me to jail.

Or take me to heaven. Or hell. Or nowhere.

The constant voice is on repeat: this is your moment, this is your moment, this is your moment. The hot liquids do nothing to quiet the voice. The hotter the liquid, the louder the voice. So I stop drinking tea and coffee and the voice is a whisper that punctures the silent morning like a car alarm.

Oh no.

The sirens are loud they rattle the windows and the temblors are god who is unhappy with children. god is not happy because happy is hard and it is to be earned.

I see teal and I think it would be nice to never see it again. Enough of that color, please. But then I see it on a beautiful child and I'm happy enough to see it. The child is full of life and he gives the color life and together they give the world new life and we all engage in the ritualistic dance of life and then I want that color gone again because I'm too, too dizzy and I wish I wasn't.

Close my eyes. And I long for a smoke. I long for a vice. I desire so many things and I deny myself these things because society wants to keep me dizzy and society wants god to be unhappy and temblors equal money for developers who oppose gay marriage but cheat on their wives with sexy, big-breasted broads. The biggest of breasts for the men! The men demand the best!

The liquids do nothing and the sirens get louder and the breasts get larger and colors become lifeless. The colors fade. Good-bye.

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