Whatever happened, happened

I'm coming out of the closet, so to speak ...

I'm a raging Lost fan and I want you to know it! I'm here, I'm a raging nerd, get used to it.

This week's episode finally places the time-traveling theory presented by one Dan Faraday at the forefront: can you change the past or will the universe "course correct" any changes you try to instigate?

The implications surrounding the potential death of the young Ben Linus are too numerous to address in full, but a few beg debate. Especially:

1. If Ben dies, then the 1977-based Jack, Kate, Hurley, Sawyer, Jin, Juliet and Miles (and Dan!) should disappear, no? Because if he's dead, he can never turn the frozen donkey wheel in 2004 which sends all of them to the Dharma-tastic 70s in the first place. No Other-leading Ben, no turn o' the wheel, no time travel.

2. If Ben dies, then who is the leader of the Others when Oceanic 815 crashes on the island in 2004? Is it John Locke? Would the island have found a way to get him there sooner because it had "lost" (!) the leader it always intended when Sayid screwed everything up?

3. If Ben dies, then will the old Ben whom John Locke was glaring at in his cot as he declared, "That's the man who killed me," just disappear? He has to, right? No young Ben, no old Ben.

4. If Ben dies, Dharma will certainly declare full-blown war against the Hostiles, which in our new timeline would be much earlier than in the previous one. Dharma has access to all of the resources of Ann Arbor and the Hanso Foundation; certainly, they'd emerge victorious in a premeditated attack against their enemy. Kind of like a reverse purge, if you follow my metaphor.

Of course, none of this matters because we all know young Ben can't die, right? I'm convinced he can't, anyhow. This appears to be setting the stage for another island surgical miracle courtesy of Dr. Shephard (the young one).

Straying off-topic, this marks two consecutive episodes with nary a second of John Locke, and I'm getting impatient! You bring this hardcore mofo BACK TO LIFE FROM THE DEAD and now we have to wait weeks to see him again? Come on, Darlton! Feed the baby birds!

BTW, next week's episode is entitled "Whatever Happened, Happened." I predict Jack saves the young Ben's life, blows their cover and all hell breaks loose.

Namaste.

Juliet is my constant.

A Treatise on Sharing the Road -or- Why I Fucking Hate Everyone

Five rules for commuting:

1. The left lane is for fast drivers. If you're driving the speed limit, move over into the right lane. If you don't, I will tailgate you at a dangerous proximity and honk my horn. I will do this because I hate you and wish you would stop impeding my journey to work, which I also hate.

2. Use a god damn turn signal. It's there so you can use it, so fucking use it! I cannot read your mind and I wouldn't want to if I could. You are dumb so it would be unpleasant.

3. Get off the phone. You are a pathetic little shit and if you died tomorrow no one would miss you. So guess what? That phone call can wait until you get home. Hang up, dicklicker!

4. Stop disciplining your children while your car is tearing down the interstate at 80 mph. If they can't behave, do what I did and give 'em away. Kids are resilient and they'll forgive you, eventually. In the meantime, eyes forward!

5. If you turn onto a busy highway directly in front of me, you had better step on that gas pedal. If you don't, I will change lanes within inches of your rear bumper, pass you, change lanes again to get in front of you, and then slam on the brakes. Basically, I will try to murder you because you are worthless and I'd be doing the world a big favor.

I know what you're thinking: "He's not talking to me."

Yeah, I am. I'm talking directly to you. Cut it out.

That is all.

Why the Republican party sucks

I own a fascinating BBC documentary entitled "The Power of Nightmares." This three-part movie chronicles the parallels in the rise to power of both the Muslim Extremists in the Middle East and the Christian Conservatives in the United States.

You owe it to yourself to get your hands on a copy of this and watch it. It will change the way you look at the current incarnation of the Republican party.

You see, I think the fundamentals of the Republicans core values are correct. We should strive for a smaller government and pay fewer taxes. Who can argue with that? But you SIMPLY CANNOT CONTINUE TO INVOKE THOSE CORE BELIEFS WHEN YOU HAD THE PAST EIGHT YEARS TO APPLY THEM AND YOU FAILED.

You failed. You failed. You failed. If this was a math class you'd receive an F. You ... failed.

And this is why the Republican party owes it to itself to begin the painful and deliberate process of extracating itself from the neo-conservatives who hijacked it under the auspices of tax reform and foreign policy initiatives designed to bring about the collapse of the Soviet Union.

Guess what? Ronald Reagan sucked. You know why? Because like every actor, he was a gigantic egomaniac.

Read your history book: the Soviet Union was on the brink of collapse without any help whatsoever from the United States. In 1985, General Secretary of the Communist Party Mikhail Gorbachev announced that the Soviet economy was stalled and that reorganization was needed. Initially, his reforms were called uskoreniye (acceleration) but later the terms glasnost (liberalisation, opening up) and perestroika (restructuring) became much more popular.

Blah, blah, blah. Keep reading: Iran-Contra scandal, tax cuts for the super wealthy inspired by the unbelievable theory known as supply-side economics, completely ignoring the rising AIDS epidemic. Reagan sucked.

So it was that under this political environment the neo-conservative movement was able to flourish. Created by a professor at the University of Chicago named Leo Strauss, the American neo-conservatives believed that the only way to inspire the "unwashed masses" to serve the greater good and be productive, healthy and happy citizens was to create an "external threat with the ability to destroy the Western World."

Hm. You mean, like the big, bad Soviet Union? Or maybe Al-Qaeda? Oh, I see!

I know what you're thinking -- how could some crazy philosophy created at a small university in Chicago influence the entire right-wing? Well, when two of the students at the university are Paul Wolfowitz and Donald Rumsfeld, you see ... how ... it's ... possible.

So come on, Republicans! Enough with the scare-tactics! Did you know more American citizens died last year from lightning strikes than from terrorist attacks? It's true! So how come we don't have a Department of Lightning Strike Prevention?

Garbage

Excerpt from an AP story published today:

"My concern is there's going to be commitments attached to it that are a mile long," said Texas Gov. Rick Perry, who considered rejecting some of the money but decided Wednesday to accept it. "We need the freedom to pick and choose. And we need the freedom to say 'No thanks.'"

The money in question is from the recently-passed stimulus bill. I'd like to point out my favorite part ...

... who CONSIDERED rejecting some of the money but decided Wednesday to ACCEPT it.

Uh, OK. Guess what, everybody? I considered slapping Texas Gov. Rick Perry in the face but decided Wednesday not to. I considered shaving my balls with a broken mirror but decided Wednesday not to. I considered really standing up for what I believe but decided Wednesday not to because I'm a yellow-bellied coward.

Well played, Republican party. Once again, you prove how easy it is to motivate dumb rednecks with good, ol'-fashioned fear mongering. And just look at that most "American" of words he uses:
Freedom!!!

See? Republicans represent freedom! Freedom to live a life without all of that pesky government interference. Who wants a big ol' government, anyway? Not me!

I guess that's why Bush and cronies were cool with letting Afghanistan go to hell while fighting a misguided war in Iraq; we don't want Afghanistan to have some big liberal government pestering its citizens and building new roads and new schools.

Fuck school! I'll learn my kids at home ... yeah, I'll learn 'em real good and shit!

By the way, Gov. Perry isn't the only governor who considered rejecting some or all of the stimulus money they'd be entitled to. And would you care to venture a guess as to which states these governors represent? They are:

Texas, Mississippi, Louisiana, Alaska, South Carolina and Idaho.

Yup. Hicksville, Racistville, Let's-Drown-Black-Peopleville, I'm-A-Moron-Hockey-Momville, Racistville Pt. 2, and Potatoville. Actually, Idaho ... you're cool.

I love potatoes. I love to spell potatoes, too.

Q and A: part the third

Part 3 in our attempt to better understand Alexander Ameen: sociopath, loner, creep. Read the following interview at your own risk.

Q. What is your preferred method for dealing with roustabouts and ne'er-do-wells?

A. I've always believed the youth of our society should be dealt with in a swift and firm, yet thoughtful, way. If I encounter a misfit during my morning jog, for example, I calmly approach the guy and tell him to go to the library and check out a book and read it. Then I kick him in the nuts cause I'm not very strong and would surely lose in a fair fight.

Q. What are your thoughts on some Republican's statements this week concerning Pres. Obama's lack of effort concerning bipartisanship?

A. Republicans are dumb and stuff. They, like, think they're all that but they're not. They all white and shit, you know? Like, Hey, look at me ... I hate poor people! Whateva ...

Q. Could you elaborate?

A. Yeah, you know ... they all, "Ohhh, snap. Let's let all the blacks die in the floods cause they ain't shit," you know? That's just wrong.

Q. Do you give any credence to their feelings on the subject?

A. If I knew what credence meant, perhaps.

Lovable ol' Republican racist Strom Thurmond

Q. Did you get a chance to peruse this year's Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue?

A. Did I?! You bet your sweet bippy, I did! Some people think that that issue objectifies women, but I'll tell ya, you should see some of the porn I normally look at! These Sports Illustrated models look like lil' Suzy Homemaker compared to ... I'll leave the rest to your imagination.

Q. Do you actually think pornography has a place in our society?

A. Yup. In fact, I think the main reason brown people want to blow us all up is because they don't see enough sweet, sweet titties. I kind of think titties are the answer to all of life's problems. Don't you?

Good ol' American titties ... take that, brown people! Strom Thurmond loved titties, but only on brown people. How ironic.

Q. I think you should let me ask the questions and you just keep giving me your insane answers.

A. Oh, I get it. You're one of those fancy boys, aren't you? You like to peek into the stalls when you go the bathroom and see if ...

Q. How dare you call my sexuality into question, you ignorant ass! Whom I choose to love is none of your god damn business. You should be ashamed.

A. I'm not.

Q. Now, let's get back to this interview. What are some of the issues you see affecting young people today and how do you think they can become part of the solution?

A. Without a doubt, the most important issue we all face daily is where our next meal is coming from. I mean, do I go to McDonalds or In and Out Burger? It's just crazy. How can I be expected to have the answer? Sometimes I look at the situation in Africa and I think how lucky those people are. They don't have to worry about making those tough decisions. They don't have to deal with the stress. I'd like to trade places with them, but not just cause of the whole "where to eat" thing. Those people don't use condoms cause they think your spirit will escape or some weird shit like that. I hate condoms! Sure, you've got the whole AIDS deal but what are the chances of catching AIDS in Africa? Pretty slim, I bet. And in the meantime, you're having yourself some wild latex-free lovin'.

Q. Oh dear.

Join us next time for part 4 of our 18-part interview. Until then, in the words of Mr. Ameen himself, "Pick your battles wisely."

Middle-school mentality

If the first thing you think of when you see this picture is, "Geez, has she put on weight," then you can go ahead and put a gun into your pie hole and pull the fuckin' trigger right now.

Are the jeans a bad choice? Certainly. Are the belts a bad choice? Certainly (Full disclosure: I used to own a pair of Z Cavaricci pants that had three belts). Is Jessica Simpson fat? Uh, not even close.

Now, I'm not a big fan of this young lady. I don't listen to her music, I don't watch her movies, I think her sister is a raging asshole, and I'm pretty sure her daddy used to fuck the both of 'em. This isn't about her talent or her status or her celebrity or any of that, though, is it? It's about the ridiculous "bully" mentality that certain people just can't let go of.

In order to understand where I'm about to take this, you must submit to the following truths: men talk about who they would or wouldn't fuck ALL THE TIME and they know approximately 99.99999999999 percent of the women they talk about would never fuck them. They talk about this because they're men and it's what they do. In fact, most men don't actually try to fuck the women they talk about; they just talk about it. Harmless conversation.

With this in mind, I submit that most men would fuck the girl in the picture on the right. How do I know this, you ask? Because I would fuck the girl in the picture on the right. Now, my wife knows I feel this way and, like I explained before, she knows I wouldn't actually do it. Rather, she knows Jessica Simpson would never fuck me because I'm not an NFL quarterback. Either way, we're good.

Knowing this, where is all of the "fat" talk coming from? I'll give you a hint: they have stinky pussies.

Did you figure it out yet?

Nothings burns as bright as a woman's jealousy toward another woman. And let me tell you, this nonsense is blinding.

This all stems from a society that places money and fame at its center; a two-dimensional anti-reality that exists on magazine covers and television screens. It warps minds and silently judges and turns virile brains into hamburger patties ready to be stacked four high and placed on buns with 1000 island and lettuce and tomato - onions extra.

If you think Jessica Simpson has gotten fat, then I think you should die. Just hurry up and die so I don't get stuck behind your slow ass on the way to work tomorrow. I fuckin' hate you and what you're doing to our poised-on-the-precipice-of-greatness society.

Go to the library, check out a book, educate yourself and get a life. And then die.

Bringing folks back into the fold

Yeah, I'm gonna start e-mailing this thing to you people again. I figure, what have I got to lose? Either you like it and laugh a little or you hate it and I don't give a shit. At least I know I won't offend you ... you sick fucks.

Issue #1

Don't invite me to join any more causes on Facebook. I'm not impressed you joined and I don't give a shit what other people think about my opinion on Darfur. Yup, poor black people aren't getting enough food every day. What else is new? Until you plan on going there with a couple loaves of bread and some fuckin' seeds, cut it out.

And yes, I realize Darfur is a lot more complicated than I just made it out to be but I don't really care. Fuck Darfur and fuck you.

Get a job, asshole.

Issue #2
The stimulus package is a BAD idea. It is. Sorry, it is. It's not a good idea. It is one more way for people in power to persuade you they have the ability to make your life better. Guess what, genius ... only you have that power. Sure, the government can help with loans for school and infrastructure and all of that, but anyone who actually thinks this package will turn the failing economy around is a dummy.

Issue #3
The military wastes more money than you could possibly imagine. How do I know this? Well, you know how I know, don't you? Perfect example: aircraft carriers will sometimes hold a Friends and Family Day Cruise for friends and family of the ship's crew. This might be fun and stuff but it is absolutely unnecessary to the operational readiness of these mighty warships. Guess how much money it costs to deploy a Nimitz-class aircraft carrier for one day. Go on, guess. What a fuckin' waste of time and money.

Issue #4
Did you see the Super Bowl ads? Weren't they funny? Wait a minute ... oh, that's right. Fuck the Super Bowl ads. I genuinely despise advertising. Every time I see some skinny, handsome, irreverent everyman waxing sarcastic about his car insurance or light beer I want to hijack airplanes. Not really. I wouldn't fly the plane into a building or anything ... geez, lighten up. But seriously, these ads are destroying my will to be a good human being. Fuck Taco Bell, fuck Budweiser, fuck Geico, fuck Doritos and fuck you for buying all their shit. Commercialism sucks a huge, black cock.

Issue #5
When did I get so tired? I went to bed at 9:30 last night. It was a Friday night! God damn it! I hate being over 30 and I hate being part of a system that encourages me to be a mindless fuckin' robot with no ability to dream about a better tomorrow. I love dreams ... especially dreams where I'm in a marshmallow house and I'm covered in chocolate sauce and I'm surrounded by Golden Retriever puppies who love me for who I am on the inside and not because I just bought some sweet Dolce and Gabbana sunglasses that make me look like a movie star. Fuck Dolce and Gabbana.

So, I thought this would help relieve some tension but it really just made me angrier. Fuck you. Oh yeah, check out alexanderameen.blogspot.com for more blustery poppycock.

Q and A

Part 2 in our attempt to better understand Alexander Ameen: sociopath, loner, creep. Read the following interview at your own risk.

Q. What is it like being caught up in the gears of the military medical complex and what are the short- and long-term ramifications?

A. Well, the gears of the "complex" grind slowly, I can tell you that. You see, when you are dealing with socialized medicine, which is exactly what military health care is, you are surrendering to the necessary evils of said system. You will not have one doctor overseeing your treatment, making sure you're being advised properly ... no, you will have many doctors, each completely unaware of what the other has told you or what they intend to do to you. You will encounter redundancy of the highest order and your integrity will be called into question on numerous occasions.

Q. And the ramifications?

A. You will get lost in the abyss. You will drown. Ironic, being a Sailor and all.

Q. That seems like a bleak outlook on what some might consider a fortuitous situation. After all, you could be a civilian with no health insurance. You'd have to declare bankruptcy!

A. Is it true you used to masturbate into your mother's knee-high stockings?

Q. Oh ... dear. What an unsavory thing to ... well, let's move on, shall we? Are you making plans should this injury prevent you from completing your contract with the Navy?

A. Indeed! I originally intended to go to school with the money I'd get under the G.I. bill, but then I realized I hate school. Don't get me wrong, I love keggers and doin' lines right before class and casual sex with your professor and so on, but I hate all the learnin' and stuff. I learn better on my own; that's why they made Wikipedia, you know. No, I think I'm gonna move to L.A. and pursue a career in stand-up comedy.

Q. I see. Who are some of your influences in the comedy world?

A. I admire folks who manage to blend comedy into their everyday lives. For instance, I heard a story about how Lee Harvey Oswald used to do a little five-minute set at his work. Apparently, it just killed! Sometimes I'll turn on C-SPAN and watch the Prime Minister's questions before Parliament. Those fuckin' British!

Funny man Lee Harvey Oswald

Q. How would you explain the way the Navy works to a person who has no frame of reference?

A. I'd tell them it's just like looking at your face. It's ugly, it stinks and it has a raging case of acne. Oh, and a gay little mustache.

Q. To what do you attribute your overwhelming unkindness and biting sarcasm?

A. To what do you attribute your need to penetrate the anuses of little puppy dogs with your finger and than sniff it under the covers of your bed?

Q. I don't have to answer your questions, you pathetic little troll! You wield no power over me! I am my own man and I can do and say as I goddamn please, I'll tell you that! I love those puppies!!!

A. Checkmate, motherfucker.

Q. How could you do this to me? You've ... you've ruined me, that's what you've done. I'll show you!

A. Put that gun away! No, don't!

Comedy 101

Join us next time for part 3 of our 18-part interview. Until then, in the words of Mr. Ameen himself, "Pick your battles wisely."

A little change of scenery

Well, I'm off the ship again. Yep, for the second time in two years, I'm on a limited duty status. Basically, I'm a broken old piece of shit who never should have been allowed to join the Navy in the first place.

But I'm in now so they gots to fix me and stuff.

The irony of it all is that the doctors tell me it's not because of anything I may have done to harm myself, i.e. smoking or drinking or (gasp!) drugs. Nope. These problems of mine would have turned up had I lived a completely normal and healthy life.

Which I did, of course. I mean, I never did anything unhealthy or illegal. I just want to make that crystal clear.

It's all beginning to make me question my place in this world and what might lie in store for us after we die. I know, I have plenty of time left before I take the big ol' dirt nap but health issues have a way of making me study my mortality.

For example, check this link out.

Is this guy completely off the deep end or what? I don't know; shit like this is so crazy that I almost feel compelled to believe it. This guy has GIGANTIC TITANIUM BALLS.

But if what this man claims is indeed true, what are the ramifications? What would happen to religion? Would people finally let go of their outdated beliefs that only drive wedges of intolerance between us (doubtful) or would they flock to churches, synagogues, temples and mosques in even greater numbers in a never-ending quest to get answers from an old book and an invisible dude in the sky who doesn't want you to worship other Gods because that would hurt His feelings (highly likely).

The notion of beings from another dimension who look exactly like us is so cool that I can hardly stand it!

Just think about what this revelation, if proven true, would do to the insane nationalistic tendencies human beings feel compelled to follow. Would it even matter anymore if you were from Iran or America? Wouldn't we all just be Earthlings?

I bet Mormons would have parties for fuckin' weeks.

I digress ...

As I get older, I feel more and more insignificant and I wonder if it's just me or if that's the way this crazy ride called life works.

This kind of thinking could only be possible from a spoiled white guy brought up in the Western World: a land of philosophers and philanderers and Philistines and fuckheads. And I'm the worst because I serve in a position that often times runs contrary to my beliefs. I'm a walking contradiction, an artist who sold out for an easy life.

Sure, that's where this all stems from, my desire to create art out of nothing. My desire to be a mini-deity. My desire to build and not destroy.

I hate looking in the mirror lately because my neck is old and fat. My eyes are droopy and my skin is oily and ragged. I'm having a hard time finding the beauty in my aged features and it kinda sucks.

The decay of age is the opposite of what I want and there it is.

I imagine I'll look back on this time in my life as a necessary evil; a rite of passage, as it were. But I'll be damned if I'm gonna take any of it for granted.

This says it all

President Obama and company wave goodbye

to former President Bush.

Our long national nightmare is over.

The decline of the quasi-empire (a 21st century self-portrait)

Here it comes
The urge to turn off and breathe through my mouth until the sun sets and I finally brush my teeth

If Nietzsche posed his question properly, then "Is man God's one mistake or is God man's one mistake" suddenly becomes a vibrant debate for kids who put down the hula hoop and started whoring so they could get enough money together to buy their PS3s or Prada bags or college educations.

I sit and think and turn my head into cinnamon and spice oatmeal but for why? Do I not expend energy when I do this and am I not a gigantic fat piece of shit that can afford to sit around and expend energy that the world can't afford to lose because of a self-righteous, self-entitled white guy who knows just how to fix your problems?

Here it comes
The urge to turn off and sing a song to cloud my mind

This is all just an exercise in futility, isn't it? I can't bring anything new to you if you don't know I exist! I can't do what God wants because God is dead. He died more than 2,000 years ago and He ain't never comin' back 'cause He don't want no part of our nonsense.

Show me God and I'll show you a fool showing me what he thinks is God but is really just a figment of society's meta-spiritual mind. Show me God and I'll show you. You'll see.

Here it comes
The urge to offend so deeply that physical pain is befriended by a new companion: anger.

Did you ever stop to think that maybe YOU'RE God? You have as much time and space as you need to prove me wrong. Remember, your argument will absolutely contain preconceived notions that themselves can't be proven.

You will lose, God.

She's at it again!

Click here. Go ahead and do it.

This lady just can't seem to figure it out at all, can she? Just like a good lil' Republican, she blames everybody else but herself.

My favorite part is the comment about Caroline Kennedy. Uhhhhhhhhhh, what in the ever-loving fuck does Palin care how Kennedy is treated by the press? What difference could it possibly make? If Kennedy gets a free pass and the omnipotent liberal media bias is proven true once and for all, then what?

I'll tell you what ... Palin will still be a raging asshole. Granted, she will be a sexy hockey mom raging asshole, but a raging asshole nonetheless.

Kennedy is in contention for the Senate; Palin was a candidate for vice-president! There is a slight difference between the two jobs. And before you say, "Well hold on there! The VP doesn't really do anything!" then just let me say two words to you: Dick Cheney.

I rather hope Palin doesn't go away. In fact, I pray the Republicans nominate her in 2012. Hell, I hope she wins. I can't get enough of the delicious irony.

What irony, you ask?

Why, the white, uptight 30-something conservative males complaining about her unfair treatment in the press because of her gender while secretly wanting to slip their shriveled little dicks into her asshole while Todd is off racing his snow machine. Talk about objectification!

Sarah, keep up the good work.

PS I love you

Sarah Palin and her husband Todd talk about his DUI arrest

You almost got cancer

Uhh, when did it become OK for a doctor to look you dead in the eyes and say, "It might be nothing or it might be cancer."

That's completely uncool, right?

Well, this little nugget of fun smacked me in the nuts a few weeks ago and I've been quietly freaking out ever since. Turns out I don't have cancer. I have a fatty tumor in my left tibia.

So no big deal. Just maybe some bone grafts and some other shit, but no big deal.

So why did I almost have cancer? Why did my "doctor" feel it was necessary to give me a huge scare with the nonchalance of a rich Puerto Rican girl blowing off a dance with the fat, ugly boy her mom made her invite to her $75,000 Quinceanero?

Because I'm in the motherfucking Navy, that's why.

Guilty until proven innocent. Healthy until proven sick. Lying until proven truthful.

The military operates on a very delicate system of leadership: if I'm in charge, I am better than you. See how delicate that is?

When I go to the doctor onboard my ship, I am immediately assumed to be lying. The reason for this is "malingering." Malingering is when you pretend to be infirmed to get out of work. People in the Navy do it all the time because most people in the Navy have unbelievably shitty jobs.

I, however, do not malinger. I am in a lot of fucking pain and I just want to get fixed.

The reason I'm writing this is because I hope that someone in a position to change this flawed and dangerous system does so. I don't know if military docs swear a Hippocratic Oath, but if they do, they are violating it every day with this reckless behavior.

Can you possibly imagine if I did have cancer? I've been complaining about the pain in my leg for more than two years!

Anyway, I'm grateful for the free health care. Oh, and God - thanks for not giving me cancer. At least not yet.

An olive branch

Why should I let my petty indifference to other people's emotions and sensibilities cloud my own reasoning in terms of writing what I believe? Why should I continue to mercilessly shred the psychosomatic disinformation machine that persists in spite of the mind's inherant desire to shut down and ignore? Why should I ignite hatred and spite where once it only sparked like a broken Zippo? Why should I continue to write words that serve no ultimate purpose and matter only to those who already know the truth they impart?

Because I care.

I am so full of love and devotion for my fellow human beings that I would be doing them and myself a disservice by not tapping away at the black plastic board that has seemingly become the Danny Glover to my Mel Gibson.

They say we can't change the way a human being thinks. I say they're wrong. My words move people to anger. I changed the way they felt. See?

Most people react to their environment. They wait for things to happen and then they respond accordingly. These people are lost. They need help.

A few people dictate the environment around them. They create love or pain or chaos or serenity. These people are leaders. They need to help.

Our culture is no longer drifting into oblivion; it is in a full-blown freefall.

The answer is anger. Full-blown anger.

Tell someone exactly what you think of them. They will hate you because you will be the mirror they refuse to look into when they're home alone.

What is safety? Can we be safe? Isn't it just an illusion?

What is money? What is love? What is pain? What is meaning? What is indifference? Do you even care?

Ask them these questions. Hell, ask yourself these questions. Do it because you care. Do it because it's right.

Why capitalism will ultimately fail

I want you to close your eyes. Now, take a minute and consider this: does an enlightened society really want money to be the axis around which all else spins?

Some would argue it should probably be God, but western ideals have put such a high price on money (pardon the pun) that the two are inseparable. As George Carlin once said, "God is all-knowing and all-powerful but He needs your money! He's really bad with money!"

I think the following is a prime example of what happens when society places more importance on material wealth than spiritual wealth.

Sought: Wal-Mart shoppers who trampled NY worker
By COLLEEN LONG, Associated Press Writer

NEW YORK – Police were reviewing video from surveillance cameras in an attempt to identify who trampled to death a Wal-Mart worker after a crowd of post-Thanksgiving shoppers burst through the doors at a suburban store and knocked him down.

Criminal charges were possible, but identifying individual shoppers in Friday's video may prove difficult, said Detective Lt. Michael Fleming, a Nassau County police spokesman.

Other workers were trampled as they tried to rescue the man, and customers stepped over him and became irate when officials said the store was closing because of the death, police and witnesses said.

At least four other people, including a woman who was eight months pregnant, were taken to hospitals for observation or minor injuries. The store in Valley Stream on Long Island closed for several hours before reopening.

Police said about 2,000 people were gathered outside the Wal-Mart doors before its 5 a.m. opening at a mall about 20 miles east of Manhattan. The impatient crowd knocked the employee, identified by police as Jdimytai Damour, to the ground as he opened the doors, leaving a metal portion of the frame crumpled like an accordion.

"This crowd was out of control," Fleming said. He described the scene as "utter chaos," and said the store didn't have enough security.

Dozens of store employees trying to fight their way out to help Damour were also getting trampled by the crowd, Fleming said. Shoppers stepped over the man on the ground and streamed into the store.

So, this is what it has come to. I just have to wonder whether or not people even realize the reason we celebrate Christmas anymore. Big hint: it's in the first six letters of the word.

You know, you really have to question the mental acuity of a God who created people this unbelievably stupid. Fuck it, I'm gonna say what we're all thinking ... God seems like He might be a little dumber than people give Him credit for.

Whew! Is it getting hot in here?

What's the answer, then? What should society hold most sacred? If not money, perhaps family? Perhaps peace and love? Maybe tolerance for people who are too stupid to hit the mute button during commercials?

Come on, you know who I mean. The people who are watching TV and exclaim when the caveman appears," Oh! I love this one! Too funny!"

Ugh.

You know things have gotten weird when you have a non-Christian saying, "Let's put the Christ back in Christmas." I mean it, pull that fucker off the cross and stick him back in the manger where He belongs. Like Elvis, I prefer the young and skinny one over the old, fat and crucified one.

Bottom line (the bottom line writing device is a trademark of Alexander Ameen and cannot be used without express written consent from Alexander Ameen or his team of Jewish lawyers who will inexcusably erect a Christmas tree in their office to make their Christian clients feel more at home) : if you're camping in front of a Wal-mart overnight so you can be the first to buy a $400 flat-screen TV, you are a GIGANTIC FUCKING LOSER!!!!!!!!!! You are the reason I hate leaving the house. I have to encounter you somewhere out there in the real world and try not to turn your face into jelly.

I would admonish you to get a life but, seriously, we're way past that, aren't we? Do me a favor though, would ya? Next year, instead of going to Wal-mart to spend your "hard earned" money, just go to church. First Presbyterian could really use a new nativity scene.

How to argue with a conservative and win

Being in the Navy, I'm completely surrounded by folks who grip tightly to their right-wing beliefs. And that's fine. I actually subscribe to a few "Republican" policies myself, so I think everyone should be free to believe what they want to believe.

But for the love of an upside-down crucified Peter, these fuckers love to argue. They listen to Rush and Bill and gather all of their lil' talking points and just wait for someone to disagree with them. They are like tigers stalking the plains of the Serengeti: ruthless, calculating, and very fuzzy.

Be not afraid, my dear friends. These people can be defeated. Just follow my patented formula for success and watch them squirm with discomfort.

Rule #1.
Almost all conservatives you will encounter in the real world are Christian. Use this knowledge to your advantage.

I'm not saying that Christians are wrong about what they believe, just that you should point out to them the things that are wrong with what they believe.

Example: Joe the plumber thinks a vote for Obama may be a vote in favor of the death of Israel. But Joe the plumber is a Christian! Do you know what Christians believe will happen to Jews when Christ returns to Earth? You should find out and then ask your fellow conservative why he hates Jews so much. Remind him that Jesus was a Jew. Then ask him why he hates Christ. That will keep him away. Great job!

Rule #2.
Conservatives will almost always be less educated than you. But occasionally, you will come across an extremely well-educated conservative (that's what she said). When this happens, proceed with caution. This person will have already thought of your counter-arguments to their talking points and will attempt to bait you into a protracted discussion about the differences between abortion and the death penalty.

Do not give them what they want! They will refuse to lose to you, you elitist prick!

Let them talk until they're blue in the face. Do not feed the baby bird. Wait for them to turn the debate back to you (they eventually will), then lay this unfettered gem upon their angry lil' head:
"I didn't realize you subscribed to the teachings of Leo Strauss and post-World War II neoconservativism. I've think his 'perpetual deception' argument is outdated and actually being misinterpreted by the current administration, at least in regard to preventing exposure to the absence of absolute truth. National destiny or not, the Republicans have certainly taken a page from the Machiavellian textbook on foreign policy; namely, the creation of an artificial external threat.

"What do you think?"

If they actually attempt to answer this question, just smile and pat them on the back. Tell them Donald Rumsfeld and Paul Wolfowitz would be proud and give them a big ol' condescending wink, Sarah Palin style.

BTW, the only thing you need to know about Leo Strauss is that he was a raging asshole.

Rule #3.
Just let them win. After all, they should be allowed to win something this year. Snap!

Leo Strauss as a young man. He believed that government should use religion for the stability of society, even though the "wise man" had transcended such "noble lies." What an asshole!

What is freedom? (A short piece in which our ambitious author attempts to answer a question that exists far outside of his intellectual capacity)

"The evolution of the western mind is one of creeping abstraction - a turning away from the natural world."

It's tough to argue with that. I was perplexed earlier today as I watched a friend sitting at his computer, sweeping a piece of plastic across the table and ever-so-subtly removing himself from the group meta-psyche.

Sad.

In that moment, he was no more alive than the machine to which he was attached. His eyes were foggy and his skin was mayonnaise. He hadn't ceased to exist, mind you. He had merely ceased to matter.

What's the difference, anyhow? Consider this a challenge.

Freedom is not intangible. It is not without meaning and purpose. It is a very real, very important and very sacred gift from our creator. I know I'm free because I'm free to know I'm free. I know I matter because I flex my head muscle and Jiminy Cricket sings a song in my lil' head about how I'm not some stupid puppet.

I know what I should be doing. Why am I not doing it? I know what I am supposed to do. Why do I refuse to do it?

The mind of a man living in our times is filled with nonsense. Lame-ass Geico commercials, stupid music that really sucks, stupid shit that Dr. Phil spews in an attempt to make even more money than he already has.

Do these examples of excess represent freedom? Is this what John Locke had in mind (pardon the pun) when he developed his tabula rasa philosophy?

We are becoming insignificant and I just hate it with all of my heart. It just feels wrong.

I know what I should be doing. Why am I not doing it?

This GWOT feels wrong to me. Doesn't it feel wrong to you? Do you really stop terror with brute force?

How do you convince people they have every right to be as free as you are?

Maybe they can see more clearly than us that we're not really free. Maybe they can see the machine and hear the shitty music and feel the sticky mayonnaise skin and they just don't want it because it's not real.

We have to abandon our outdated, uninspired and simplistic notions of freedom. We have to overcome our abuse of the freedom from want. We have to show the uneducated, the impoverished, the ignorant and the evil that we are fit to be the leaders of men.

We all know what we should be doing. Fuck it, let's go change the world.

Please allow me to spread the truth

The other day someone says to me, "No way I vote for Obama because he is definitely going to raise taxes." Huh. Interesting.

I respond: "Well, he does want to raise taxes on people who make more than $250,000 a year, but us little guys will be fine."

They get furious. "BULLSHIT!!! He is going to tax the shit out of everyone because that's what he is - a tax and spend liberal!"

And that's when I just walk away. Because how can you argue against someone like that? Here's the thing: the American government has grown more under President Bush than any other president in history. It has gotten bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger. A Republican did that!

Here's another thing ... Douglas Holtz-Eakin, John McCain's chief economic advisor, admits that McCain WILL HAVE to raise taxes if elected. Holy shit!! Why isn't McCain telling the truth about this, you ask?

"It's the brand ... and you don't dilute the brand," Holtz-Eakin said, referring to the antiquated belief that conservatives are for less taxes and more Jesus Christ all up in my grill.

Does any of this matter, however? I think is does. When Joe Biden said, albeit stupidly, that paying taxes is patriotic, I truly believe he was onto something. Now, our forefathers would undoubtedly be turning in their graves if they knew the burden most Americans carry when it comes to funding our government. But like it or not, there are certain fundamental services which the government provides that are simply not going to go away.

One that immediately springs to mind is a badass military. We have to have one of those, right? How else can we be expected to continue killing brown people? Seriously, those fuckers had it coming.

Infrastructure is another "necessary evil" the American people must deal with.

There are other pesky lil' things, too. Adoption Assistance, Adoption Tax Credit, Child Care, Child Care Tax Credit, Child Support Enforcement, Children's Health Insurance, College Student Loans and Grants, Crop and Livestock Insurance, Disability Resources, Disaster Assistance for Victims, Dislocated and Laid-Off Worker Assistance, Earned Income Tax Credit, Employment and Training Assistance, Farm Ownership and Operating Loans, Federal Retiree Benefits, Food Assistance – Child Nutrition; Food Distribution; Women, Infants, and Children, Food Stamp Program, Government Benefits (nice and vague!), Government Jobs (as is this), Government Online Services, Government Sales and Auctions, GovLoans.gov, Grants.gov – Find and Apply for Government Grants, Head Start Program, Home Mortgage and Housing Assistance, Home Rental Assistance, Human Trafficking – Assistance Available to Victims of Human Trafficking, Legal Assistance, Loans for Agriculture, Business, Disaster Relief, Education, Housing, and Veterans through GovLoans.gov, Low Income Home Energy (Heating and Cooling) Assistance, Medicaid, Medicare, Medicare Prescription Drug Plan, Mortgage Assistance Programs, Native American Benefits, Pension Insurance and Benefit Guaranties, Railroad Retirement, Disability, and Unemployment Benefits, Refugee Resettlement Programs, Renter's Assistance, Runaway Youth National Switchboard to Call for Help, Rural Assistance Center for Health and Human Services, School Lunch and Breakfast, Senior Citizen Community Service Employment Program, Small Business Financial Assistance, Social Security (kind of a big one), Student Financial Aid and Scholarships, Student Grants for Study Overseas, Student Loan Consolidation, Supplemental Security Income, Tax Counseling for the Elderly, Telephone Assistance Programs for Low-Income Households, Temporary Assistance for Needy Families (Welfare), Unemployment Insurance (fucking Socialists!), Vaccines for Children, Veterans' Benefits (fucking Socialists!), Weatherization Assistance, and Youth Education and Training Assistance.

Those were just the programs it took me 10 seconds to find on the interwebs.

The point is, we can't just keep asking China to pay for all of this nonsense. So, when Joe Biden said what he said, can you kind of see where he was coming from? No, you can't because you are completely close minded and that's why I want to quit.

Listen, knucklehead. I understand that NO ONE wants to have their taxes raised. It totally sucks. But we also cannot continue to carry the enormous deficit ($9,664,631,803,259.07 - I just pulled that number off the Treasury Dept. website) we have accumulated under our current president. Believe it or not, there will be dire consequences if we don't get rid off it.

Sometimes this country reminds me of the Trump Tower. When you walk into the lobby, you can tell right away that a whole lot of money was poured into it's construction, but it was spent on all the wrong things. Who needs gold leaf toilet seats?

That's called a non-sequitur. Clever, huh?

Let me bottom line this for you - there is no such thing as a tax and spend liberal. OK? There are only tax and spend politicians! It's their job. Here's another thing I heard that really bothered the shit out of me.

"I will definitely not vote for Obama because he's going to shrink the military."

Yeah, I'm in the military and guess what? Where I work, we have about 500 too many people. Go for it, you crazy Muslim bitch! Go for it!!!

Speaking of Barack HUSSEIN Obama's very clear Muslim beliefs, please click this link to see some truly ignorant stuff. Trust me, it is really great!

Why elitism is good

That's it, people. I've had just about enough.

"I'm not voting for Barack Obama and Joe Biden because they're elitists," says Joe Sixpack. "Give me the Navy veteran and the down home girl any day of the week."

Let me tell you about the Navy. I'm in the Navy. Do you want to know who the smartest person I've ever met in the Navy was? It's me, that's who. I'm the smartest person I've ever met in the Navy. Scared?

You should be. John McCain graduated sixth from the bottom of his class at the Naval Academy. Guess what? The Naval Academy ain't Yale, that's for fuckin' sure.

However, the Naval Academy also isn't the University of Idaho. That's the prestigious institution that Sarah Palin received her undergraduate degree in journalism from. A Bachelor's in journalism ... yeah, she really doesn't seem to know very much about journalism, does she?

I desperately wish I could tell you that this all surprises me, but it doesn't. Re-thug-licans revel in their "altruistic" agenda and over-the-top jingoism, masquerading as "small-town values," but the truth is, the only thing conservatives care about is maintaining the status quo. They want everything to stay the same.

I've always held firm to the belief that stagnation is death and change is the law of life. If it's true that humans are evolving (and we are; just look at how the average height of a person has increased over time), then we must allow our society to evolve as well.

Re-thug-licans don't like change because it offends their "small-town values" (read: Christian values). But it is my contention that God wants everything to change, because the universe is in a constant state of entropy and God created the universe. Therefore, Re-thug-licans hate God.

I'll say it again. Republicans, conservatives, whatever you want to call them, are against God. They hate God because they hate the things that are His will. Now how in the world could this possibly have happened?

It is my contention that God wants man to become as smart as he possibly can. I believe this is true because God gave me the capacity to think for myself. He gave me the ability to be a leader of men without having to resort to violence. All I need to be great is my razor-sharp wit and dizzying intellect. Snap!

So, if God wants us to be super-smart, then wouldn't it stand to follow that we should elect the smartest people available for the most important shit? The answer is: yes, Alex, it would.

John McCain is not stupid, but he isn't brilliant, either. Sarah Palin makes my balls hurt. I think that's God's way of telling me that although I might find her physically attractive I should under no circumstances fuck her.

Let me repeat that. God makes my balls hurt when I see Sarah Palin because He does not want me to fuck her.

You got it, God! Besides, I already have a beautiful wife who doesn't make my balls hurt. So there.

Let's wrap this up. When you say that you're against elitism, what you're really saying is that you're against God. Stop hating God. He made you. You should love Him and be grateful and do what He wants.

And He REALLY wants you to stop being a huge moron. Elitism.

Long live Budd Dwyer

Do you know who this guy is?

Meet Budd Dwyer, an American politician who committed suicide on live television back in 1987.

Get this: Dwyer was charged with accepting a bribe of $300,000 from a company that was bidding to calculate how to properly return money to state employees who overpaid Federal Insurance Contributions Act taxes.

He was offered a plea bargain but refused to accept. He was eventually found guilty and faced a prison sentence of 55 years and a $300,000 fine.

The day before he was to receive his sentence from the court, he called an impromptu press conference. Most folks thought he would be announcing his resignation.

Instead, he said a few words about how he was a "victim of political persecution." He handed out three envelopes to his three closest staffers. He then produced a large manila envelope and withdrew a .357 Magnum.

"Budd, don't do this! Budd, this is not right!"

"Please leave the room if this will offend you," Dwyer said.

A few people attempted to approach Dwyer.

"Don't; don't; don't," Dwyer said. "This could hurt someone."

And then he put the revolver into his mouth and pulled the trigger. Holy shit! In all, five TV cameras and countless still photographers captured the gruesome event.

Why does any of this matter, you ask?

Because ... well, just look at this!

Ewwwwwww.

Suicide is not the answer, kids.

UPDATE!!!

Click here to see the actual video clip of Budd killing himself. Needless to say, it is completely disturbing and pretty awesome.

This doesn't sound like change

Click here.

Comments like this are the final, desperate act of a woman whose fifteen minutes were up about twenty minutes ago.

How could anyone want to vote for this? Divisive, insulting, condescending and completely untrue ... Sarah Palin may be a woman, but more than that, she is a raging asshole.

Jesus Christ hates Proposition 8

Let me ask you a very serious question.

If you are a heterosexual and you are married and have a job and a couple of kids and a house with a white picket fence and so on and so on, etc. etc., then why in the world would you possibly care whether or not two old queens get married?

Really ... why the fuck do you care?

This kind of intolerance just makes me sick. How can gay marriage possibly affect you in any way, shape or form?

And don't you dare invoke religion. Don't even think about it. I went to church for many, many years and the only thing I remember about it is that Jesus Christ taught his disciples to be tolerant of others. I think that's right, isn't it?

For the record, I support gay marriage. I support gay marriage because I am capable of empathizing with a person who may encounter the following scenario:

• A man gets a phone call at work. His partner of 25 years has just been admitted to the hospital. He frantically rushes to the emergency room, only to be denied any of the visiting privileges a normal spouse would receive. His partner dies. He is not entitled to anything. The city, state and country he resides in refuse to acknowledge his relationship to the deceased.

Aren't we a little bit more enlightened than this? Does this fall in line with Christ's teachings of love, tolerance and forgiveness?

Do you really care whether or not a gay couple gets married? And if you do, do you think you could try and get a life in the not-to-distant future? Thanks.

Why the Republicans just conceded the election

I heard it put brilliantly last night by some idiot pundit on CNN. Why would you keep this lady away from the press? What are the Republicans afraid we'll discover?

Well, I think we just discovered what it was they were afraid we'd discover when we discovered it the other night. What a discovery!

I feel really bad saying anything negative about Sarah Palin because she's quite pretty and the right-wing is just in love with her. But that's just the thing: this is THE BEST THE REPUBLICANS COULD OFFER THE AMERICAN PEOPLE. Yikes.

I was going to post a transcript of her meandering response to Katie Couric's question about the proposed bailout, but after reading it I couldn't muster the strength to do it. Oh fuck it, yes I can.

"Ultimately, what the bailout does is help those who are concerned about the health care reform that is needed to help shore up the economy– Oh, it’s got to be about job creation too," Palin said. "So health care reform and reducing taxes and reining in spending has got to accompany tax reductions."

HEALTH CARE REFORM? Thank God, I thought this whole bailout fiasco had something to do with sub-prime mortgages. Whew, what a relief!

My shoes hurt, too

As I watched the debate last night, I couldn't help feeling a little letdown.

Don't get me wrong, I thought both candidates did a wonderful job of looking "presidential." But unfortunately, neither one did a very good job of looking "bat shit insane."

Why can't we for once have a clinically insane viable presidential nominee? Especially when you consider how many other world leaders are, at the very least, a little nuts.

Why couldn't Obama just look deep into McCain's eyes and scream, "Your great-great-grandparents used to own black people, motherfucker! Don't tell me I don't understand anything!!!"

Why couldn't McCain just casually walk over to Obama and punch him right in the face, laughing the deep, hearty laugh of a septuagenarian who spent five years in a dark, dank cell sewing an American flag out of pocket lint?

Is it too much to ask for a little crazy around here?

An exercise in futility

I suspect no one will ever read this, let alone even find it. But if they (you) do, then let me say, "Welcome!"

It has always been my dream to be a big-time columnist; a beacon of hope and knowledge in a sea of mediocrity and idiotness. I love the notion that people could read my words - my humble little words - and actually shape their opinion around my ideas and observations.

Here's an example of what I mean: I think racists are just terrible!

Now, people would read this and think, Geez, he's really onto something there. Score one for this fella!

I digress.

I'm starting this page because, as I get older, I realize just how much I need to say to the world. I feel as though I have a voice inside of me screaming to get out and smack you right in the nuts and feed on the hearts of your children.

Yeah, my voice eats children's hearts.

I know this isn't much, but for the time being, it's all I got. My job prevents me from getting involved in the politcal process to the extent I desire, so this will have to suffice.

If you want to read some of my past blogs, check out www.myspace.com/tenaciousal