Middle-school mentality

If the first thing you think of when you see this picture is, "Geez, has she put on weight," then you can go ahead and put a gun into your pie hole and pull the fuckin' trigger right now.

Are the jeans a bad choice? Certainly. Are the belts a bad choice? Certainly (Full disclosure: I used to own a pair of Z Cavaricci pants that had three belts). Is Jessica Simpson fat? Uh, not even close.

Now, I'm not a big fan of this young lady. I don't listen to her music, I don't watch her movies, I think her sister is a raging asshole, and I'm pretty sure her daddy used to fuck the both of 'em. This isn't about her talent or her status or her celebrity or any of that, though, is it? It's about the ridiculous "bully" mentality that certain people just can't let go of.

In order to understand where I'm about to take this, you must submit to the following truths: men talk about who they would or wouldn't fuck ALL THE TIME and they know approximately 99.99999999999 percent of the women they talk about would never fuck them. They talk about this because they're men and it's what they do. In fact, most men don't actually try to fuck the women they talk about; they just talk about it. Harmless conversation.

With this in mind, I submit that most men would fuck the girl in the picture on the right. How do I know this, you ask? Because I would fuck the girl in the picture on the right. Now, my wife knows I feel this way and, like I explained before, she knows I wouldn't actually do it. Rather, she knows Jessica Simpson would never fuck me because I'm not an NFL quarterback. Either way, we're good.

Knowing this, where is all of the "fat" talk coming from? I'll give you a hint: they have stinky pussies.

Did you figure it out yet?

Nothings burns as bright as a woman's jealousy toward another woman. And let me tell you, this nonsense is blinding.

This all stems from a society that places money and fame at its center; a two-dimensional anti-reality that exists on magazine covers and television screens. It warps minds and silently judges and turns virile brains into hamburger patties ready to be stacked four high and placed on buns with 1000 island and lettuce and tomato - onions extra.

If you think Jessica Simpson has gotten fat, then I think you should die. Just hurry up and die so I don't get stuck behind your slow ass on the way to work tomorrow. I fuckin' hate you and what you're doing to our poised-on-the-precipice-of-greatness society.

Go to the library, check out a book, educate yourself and get a life. And then die.

Why capitalism will ultimately fail

I want you to close your eyes. Now, take a minute and consider this: does an enlightened society really want money to be the axis around which all else spins?

Some would argue it should probably be God, but western ideals have put such a high price on money (pardon the pun) that the two are inseparable. As George Carlin once said, "God is all-knowing and all-powerful but He needs your money! He's really bad with money!"

I think the following is a prime example of what happens when society places more importance on material wealth than spiritual wealth.

Sought: Wal-Mart shoppers who trampled NY worker
By COLLEEN LONG, Associated Press Writer

NEW YORK – Police were reviewing video from surveillance cameras in an attempt to identify who trampled to death a Wal-Mart worker after a crowd of post-Thanksgiving shoppers burst through the doors at a suburban store and knocked him down.

Criminal charges were possible, but identifying individual shoppers in Friday's video may prove difficult, said Detective Lt. Michael Fleming, a Nassau County police spokesman.

Other workers were trampled as they tried to rescue the man, and customers stepped over him and became irate when officials said the store was closing because of the death, police and witnesses said.

At least four other people, including a woman who was eight months pregnant, were taken to hospitals for observation or minor injuries. The store in Valley Stream on Long Island closed for several hours before reopening.

Police said about 2,000 people were gathered outside the Wal-Mart doors before its 5 a.m. opening at a mall about 20 miles east of Manhattan. The impatient crowd knocked the employee, identified by police as Jdimytai Damour, to the ground as he opened the doors, leaving a metal portion of the frame crumpled like an accordion.

"This crowd was out of control," Fleming said. He described the scene as "utter chaos," and said the store didn't have enough security.

Dozens of store employees trying to fight their way out to help Damour were also getting trampled by the crowd, Fleming said. Shoppers stepped over the man on the ground and streamed into the store.

So, this is what it has come to. I just have to wonder whether or not people even realize the reason we celebrate Christmas anymore. Big hint: it's in the first six letters of the word.

You know, you really have to question the mental acuity of a God who created people this unbelievably stupid. Fuck it, I'm gonna say what we're all thinking ... God seems like He might be a little dumber than people give Him credit for.

Whew! Is it getting hot in here?

What's the answer, then? What should society hold most sacred? If not money, perhaps family? Perhaps peace and love? Maybe tolerance for people who are too stupid to hit the mute button during commercials?

Come on, you know who I mean. The people who are watching TV and exclaim when the caveman appears," Oh! I love this one! Too funny!"

Ugh.

You know things have gotten weird when you have a non-Christian saying, "Let's put the Christ back in Christmas." I mean it, pull that fucker off the cross and stick him back in the manger where He belongs. Like Elvis, I prefer the young and skinny one over the old, fat and crucified one.

Bottom line (the bottom line writing device is a trademark of Alexander Ameen and cannot be used without express written consent from Alexander Ameen or his team of Jewish lawyers who will inexcusably erect a Christmas tree in their office to make their Christian clients feel more at home) : if you're camping in front of a Wal-mart overnight so you can be the first to buy a $400 flat-screen TV, you are a GIGANTIC FUCKING LOSER!!!!!!!!!! You are the reason I hate leaving the house. I have to encounter you somewhere out there in the real world and try not to turn your face into jelly.

I would admonish you to get a life but, seriously, we're way past that, aren't we? Do me a favor though, would ya? Next year, instead of going to Wal-mart to spend your "hard earned" money, just go to church. First Presbyterian could really use a new nativity scene.