Why the Republican party sucks

I own a fascinating BBC documentary entitled "The Power of Nightmares." This three-part movie chronicles the parallels in the rise to power of both the Muslim Extremists in the Middle East and the Christian Conservatives in the United States.

You owe it to yourself to get your hands on a copy of this and watch it. It will change the way you look at the current incarnation of the Republican party.

You see, I think the fundamentals of the Republicans core values are correct. We should strive for a smaller government and pay fewer taxes. Who can argue with that? But you SIMPLY CANNOT CONTINUE TO INVOKE THOSE CORE BELIEFS WHEN YOU HAD THE PAST EIGHT YEARS TO APPLY THEM AND YOU FAILED.

You failed. You failed. You failed. If this was a math class you'd receive an F. You ... failed.

And this is why the Republican party owes it to itself to begin the painful and deliberate process of extracating itself from the neo-conservatives who hijacked it under the auspices of tax reform and foreign policy initiatives designed to bring about the collapse of the Soviet Union.

Guess what? Ronald Reagan sucked. You know why? Because like every actor, he was a gigantic egomaniac.

Read your history book: the Soviet Union was on the brink of collapse without any help whatsoever from the United States. In 1985, General Secretary of the Communist Party Mikhail Gorbachev announced that the Soviet economy was stalled and that reorganization was needed. Initially, his reforms were called uskoreniye (acceleration) but later the terms glasnost (liberalisation, opening up) and perestroika (restructuring) became much more popular.

Blah, blah, blah. Keep reading: Iran-Contra scandal, tax cuts for the super wealthy inspired by the unbelievable theory known as supply-side economics, completely ignoring the rising AIDS epidemic. Reagan sucked.

So it was that under this political environment the neo-conservative movement was able to flourish. Created by a professor at the University of Chicago named Leo Strauss, the American neo-conservatives believed that the only way to inspire the "unwashed masses" to serve the greater good and be productive, healthy and happy citizens was to create an "external threat with the ability to destroy the Western World."

Hm. You mean, like the big, bad Soviet Union? Or maybe Al-Qaeda? Oh, I see!

I know what you're thinking -- how could some crazy philosophy created at a small university in Chicago influence the entire right-wing? Well, when two of the students at the university are Paul Wolfowitz and Donald Rumsfeld, you see ... how ... it's ... possible.

So come on, Republicans! Enough with the scare-tactics! Did you know more American citizens died last year from lightning strikes than from terrorist attacks? It's true! So how come we don't have a Department of Lightning Strike Prevention?

Garbage

Excerpt from an AP story published today:

"My concern is there's going to be commitments attached to it that are a mile long," said Texas Gov. Rick Perry, who considered rejecting some of the money but decided Wednesday to accept it. "We need the freedom to pick and choose. And we need the freedom to say 'No thanks.'"

The money in question is from the recently-passed stimulus bill. I'd like to point out my favorite part ...

... who CONSIDERED rejecting some of the money but decided Wednesday to ACCEPT it.

Uh, OK. Guess what, everybody? I considered slapping Texas Gov. Rick Perry in the face but decided Wednesday not to. I considered shaving my balls with a broken mirror but decided Wednesday not to. I considered really standing up for what I believe but decided Wednesday not to because I'm a yellow-bellied coward.

Well played, Republican party. Once again, you prove how easy it is to motivate dumb rednecks with good, ol'-fashioned fear mongering. And just look at that most "American" of words he uses:
Freedom!!!

See? Republicans represent freedom! Freedom to live a life without all of that pesky government interference. Who wants a big ol' government, anyway? Not me!

I guess that's why Bush and cronies were cool with letting Afghanistan go to hell while fighting a misguided war in Iraq; we don't want Afghanistan to have some big liberal government pestering its citizens and building new roads and new schools.

Fuck school! I'll learn my kids at home ... yeah, I'll learn 'em real good and shit!

By the way, Gov. Perry isn't the only governor who considered rejecting some or all of the stimulus money they'd be entitled to. And would you care to venture a guess as to which states these governors represent? They are:

Texas, Mississippi, Louisiana, Alaska, South Carolina and Idaho.

Yup. Hicksville, Racistville, Let's-Drown-Black-Peopleville, I'm-A-Moron-Hockey-Momville, Racistville Pt. 2, and Potatoville. Actually, Idaho ... you're cool.

I love potatoes. I love to spell potatoes, too.

Q and A: part the third

Part 3 in our attempt to better understand Alexander Ameen: sociopath, loner, creep. Read the following interview at your own risk.

Q. What is your preferred method for dealing with roustabouts and ne'er-do-wells?

A. I've always believed the youth of our society should be dealt with in a swift and firm, yet thoughtful, way. If I encounter a misfit during my morning jog, for example, I calmly approach the guy and tell him to go to the library and check out a book and read it. Then I kick him in the nuts cause I'm not very strong and would surely lose in a fair fight.

Q. What are your thoughts on some Republican's statements this week concerning Pres. Obama's lack of effort concerning bipartisanship?

A. Republicans are dumb and stuff. They, like, think they're all that but they're not. They all white and shit, you know? Like, Hey, look at me ... I hate poor people! Whateva ...

Q. Could you elaborate?

A. Yeah, you know ... they all, "Ohhh, snap. Let's let all the blacks die in the floods cause they ain't shit," you know? That's just wrong.

Q. Do you give any credence to their feelings on the subject?

A. If I knew what credence meant, perhaps.

Lovable ol' Republican racist Strom Thurmond

Q. Did you get a chance to peruse this year's Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue?

A. Did I?! You bet your sweet bippy, I did! Some people think that that issue objectifies women, but I'll tell ya, you should see some of the porn I normally look at! These Sports Illustrated models look like lil' Suzy Homemaker compared to ... I'll leave the rest to your imagination.

Q. Do you actually think pornography has a place in our society?

A. Yup. In fact, I think the main reason brown people want to blow us all up is because they don't see enough sweet, sweet titties. I kind of think titties are the answer to all of life's problems. Don't you?

Good ol' American titties ... take that, brown people! Strom Thurmond loved titties, but only on brown people. How ironic.

Q. I think you should let me ask the questions and you just keep giving me your insane answers.

A. Oh, I get it. You're one of those fancy boys, aren't you? You like to peek into the stalls when you go the bathroom and see if ...

Q. How dare you call my sexuality into question, you ignorant ass! Whom I choose to love is none of your god damn business. You should be ashamed.

A. I'm not.

Q. Now, let's get back to this interview. What are some of the issues you see affecting young people today and how do you think they can become part of the solution?

A. Without a doubt, the most important issue we all face daily is where our next meal is coming from. I mean, do I go to McDonalds or In and Out Burger? It's just crazy. How can I be expected to have the answer? Sometimes I look at the situation in Africa and I think how lucky those people are. They don't have to worry about making those tough decisions. They don't have to deal with the stress. I'd like to trade places with them, but not just cause of the whole "where to eat" thing. Those people don't use condoms cause they think your spirit will escape or some weird shit like that. I hate condoms! Sure, you've got the whole AIDS deal but what are the chances of catching AIDS in Africa? Pretty slim, I bet. And in the meantime, you're having yourself some wild latex-free lovin'.

Q. Oh dear.

Join us next time for part 4 of our 18-part interview. Until then, in the words of Mr. Ameen himself, "Pick your battles wisely."

Middle-school mentality

If the first thing you think of when you see this picture is, "Geez, has she put on weight," then you can go ahead and put a gun into your pie hole and pull the fuckin' trigger right now.

Are the jeans a bad choice? Certainly. Are the belts a bad choice? Certainly (Full disclosure: I used to own a pair of Z Cavaricci pants that had three belts). Is Jessica Simpson fat? Uh, not even close.

Now, I'm not a big fan of this young lady. I don't listen to her music, I don't watch her movies, I think her sister is a raging asshole, and I'm pretty sure her daddy used to fuck the both of 'em. This isn't about her talent or her status or her celebrity or any of that, though, is it? It's about the ridiculous "bully" mentality that certain people just can't let go of.

In order to understand where I'm about to take this, you must submit to the following truths: men talk about who they would or wouldn't fuck ALL THE TIME and they know approximately 99.99999999999 percent of the women they talk about would never fuck them. They talk about this because they're men and it's what they do. In fact, most men don't actually try to fuck the women they talk about; they just talk about it. Harmless conversation.

With this in mind, I submit that most men would fuck the girl in the picture on the right. How do I know this, you ask? Because I would fuck the girl in the picture on the right. Now, my wife knows I feel this way and, like I explained before, she knows I wouldn't actually do it. Rather, she knows Jessica Simpson would never fuck me because I'm not an NFL quarterback. Either way, we're good.

Knowing this, where is all of the "fat" talk coming from? I'll give you a hint: they have stinky pussies.

Did you figure it out yet?

Nothings burns as bright as a woman's jealousy toward another woman. And let me tell you, this nonsense is blinding.

This all stems from a society that places money and fame at its center; a two-dimensional anti-reality that exists on magazine covers and television screens. It warps minds and silently judges and turns virile brains into hamburger patties ready to be stacked four high and placed on buns with 1000 island and lettuce and tomato - onions extra.

If you think Jessica Simpson has gotten fat, then I think you should die. Just hurry up and die so I don't get stuck behind your slow ass on the way to work tomorrow. I fuckin' hate you and what you're doing to our poised-on-the-precipice-of-greatness society.

Go to the library, check out a book, educate yourself and get a life. And then die.

Bringing folks back into the fold

Yeah, I'm gonna start e-mailing this thing to you people again. I figure, what have I got to lose? Either you like it and laugh a little or you hate it and I don't give a shit. At least I know I won't offend you ... you sick fucks.

Issue #1

Don't invite me to join any more causes on Facebook. I'm not impressed you joined and I don't give a shit what other people think about my opinion on Darfur. Yup, poor black people aren't getting enough food every day. What else is new? Until you plan on going there with a couple loaves of bread and some fuckin' seeds, cut it out.

And yes, I realize Darfur is a lot more complicated than I just made it out to be but I don't really care. Fuck Darfur and fuck you.

Get a job, asshole.

Issue #2
The stimulus package is a BAD idea. It is. Sorry, it is. It's not a good idea. It is one more way for people in power to persuade you they have the ability to make your life better. Guess what, genius ... only you have that power. Sure, the government can help with loans for school and infrastructure and all of that, but anyone who actually thinks this package will turn the failing economy around is a dummy.

Issue #3
The military wastes more money than you could possibly imagine. How do I know this? Well, you know how I know, don't you? Perfect example: aircraft carriers will sometimes hold a Friends and Family Day Cruise for friends and family of the ship's crew. This might be fun and stuff but it is absolutely unnecessary to the operational readiness of these mighty warships. Guess how much money it costs to deploy a Nimitz-class aircraft carrier for one day. Go on, guess. What a fuckin' waste of time and money.

Issue #4
Did you see the Super Bowl ads? Weren't they funny? Wait a minute ... oh, that's right. Fuck the Super Bowl ads. I genuinely despise advertising. Every time I see some skinny, handsome, irreverent everyman waxing sarcastic about his car insurance or light beer I want to hijack airplanes. Not really. I wouldn't fly the plane into a building or anything ... geez, lighten up. But seriously, these ads are destroying my will to be a good human being. Fuck Taco Bell, fuck Budweiser, fuck Geico, fuck Doritos and fuck you for buying all their shit. Commercialism sucks a huge, black cock.

Issue #5
When did I get so tired? I went to bed at 9:30 last night. It was a Friday night! God damn it! I hate being over 30 and I hate being part of a system that encourages me to be a mindless fuckin' robot with no ability to dream about a better tomorrow. I love dreams ... especially dreams where I'm in a marshmallow house and I'm covered in chocolate sauce and I'm surrounded by Golden Retriever puppies who love me for who I am on the inside and not because I just bought some sweet Dolce and Gabbana sunglasses that make me look like a movie star. Fuck Dolce and Gabbana.

So, I thought this would help relieve some tension but it really just made me angrier. Fuck you. Oh yeah, check out alexanderameen.blogspot.com for more blustery poppycock.

Q and A

Part 2 in our attempt to better understand Alexander Ameen: sociopath, loner, creep. Read the following interview at your own risk.

Q. What is it like being caught up in the gears of the military medical complex and what are the short- and long-term ramifications?

A. Well, the gears of the "complex" grind slowly, I can tell you that. You see, when you are dealing with socialized medicine, which is exactly what military health care is, you are surrendering to the necessary evils of said system. You will not have one doctor overseeing your treatment, making sure you're being advised properly ... no, you will have many doctors, each completely unaware of what the other has told you or what they intend to do to you. You will encounter redundancy of the highest order and your integrity will be called into question on numerous occasions.

Q. And the ramifications?

A. You will get lost in the abyss. You will drown. Ironic, being a Sailor and all.

Q. That seems like a bleak outlook on what some might consider a fortuitous situation. After all, you could be a civilian with no health insurance. You'd have to declare bankruptcy!

A. Is it true you used to masturbate into your mother's knee-high stockings?

Q. Oh ... dear. What an unsavory thing to ... well, let's move on, shall we? Are you making plans should this injury prevent you from completing your contract with the Navy?

A. Indeed! I originally intended to go to school with the money I'd get under the G.I. bill, but then I realized I hate school. Don't get me wrong, I love keggers and doin' lines right before class and casual sex with your professor and so on, but I hate all the learnin' and stuff. I learn better on my own; that's why they made Wikipedia, you know. No, I think I'm gonna move to L.A. and pursue a career in stand-up comedy.

Q. I see. Who are some of your influences in the comedy world?

A. I admire folks who manage to blend comedy into their everyday lives. For instance, I heard a story about how Lee Harvey Oswald used to do a little five-minute set at his work. Apparently, it just killed! Sometimes I'll turn on C-SPAN and watch the Prime Minister's questions before Parliament. Those fuckin' British!

Funny man Lee Harvey Oswald

Q. How would you explain the way the Navy works to a person who has no frame of reference?

A. I'd tell them it's just like looking at your face. It's ugly, it stinks and it has a raging case of acne. Oh, and a gay little mustache.

Q. To what do you attribute your overwhelming unkindness and biting sarcasm?

A. To what do you attribute your need to penetrate the anuses of little puppy dogs with your finger and than sniff it under the covers of your bed?

Q. I don't have to answer your questions, you pathetic little troll! You wield no power over me! I am my own man and I can do and say as I goddamn please, I'll tell you that! I love those puppies!!!

A. Checkmate, motherfucker.

Q. How could you do this to me? You've ... you've ruined me, that's what you've done. I'll show you!

A. Put that gun away! No, don't!

Comedy 101

Join us next time for part 3 of our 18-part interview. Until then, in the words of Mr. Ameen himself, "Pick your battles wisely."