Wednesday, January 28, 2009

A little change of scenery

Well, I'm off the ship again. Yep, for the second time in two years, I'm on a limited duty status. Basically, I'm a broken old piece of shit who never should have been allowed to join the Navy in the first place.

But I'm in now so they gots to fix me and stuff.

The irony of it all is that the doctors tell me it's not because of anything I may have done to harm myself, i.e. smoking or drinking or (gasp!) drugs. Nope. These problems of mine would have turned up had I lived a completely normal and healthy life.

Which I did, of course. I mean, I never did anything unhealthy or illegal. I just want to make that crystal clear.

It's all beginning to make me question my place in this world and what might lie in store for us after we die. I know, I have plenty of time left before I take the big ol' dirt nap but health issues have a way of making me study my mortality.

For example, check this link out.

Is this guy completely off the deep end or what? I don't know; shit like this is so crazy that I almost feel compelled to believe it. This guy has GIGANTIC TITANIUM BALLS.

But if what this man claims is indeed true, what are the ramifications? What would happen to religion? Would people finally let go of their outdated beliefs that only drive wedges of intolerance between us (doubtful) or would they flock to churches, synagogues, temples and mosques in even greater numbers in a never-ending quest to get answers from an old book and an invisible dude in the sky who doesn't want you to worship other Gods because that would hurt His feelings (highly likely).

The notion of beings from another dimension who look exactly like us is so cool that I can hardly stand it!

Just think about what this revelation, if proven true, would do to the insane nationalistic tendencies human beings feel compelled to follow. Would it even matter anymore if you were from Iran or America? Wouldn't we all just be Earthlings?

I bet Mormons would have parties for fuckin' weeks.

I digress ...

As I get older, I feel more and more insignificant and I wonder if it's just me or if that's the way this crazy ride called life works.

This kind of thinking could only be possible from a spoiled white guy brought up in the Western World: a land of philosophers and philanderers and Philistines and fuckheads. And I'm the worst because I serve in a position that often times runs contrary to my beliefs. I'm a walking contradiction, an artist who sold out for an easy life.

Sure, that's where this all stems from, my desire to create art out of nothing. My desire to be a mini-deity. My desire to build and not destroy.

I hate looking in the mirror lately because my neck is old and fat. My eyes are droopy and my skin is oily and ragged. I'm having a hard time finding the beauty in my aged features and it kinda sucks.

The decay of age is the opposite of what I want and there it is.

I imagine I'll look back on this time in my life as a necessary evil; a rite of passage, as it were. But I'll be damned if I'm gonna take any of it for granted.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

This says it all

President Obama and company wave goodbye
to former President Bush.
Our long national nightmare is over.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

The decline of the quasi-empire (a 21st century self-portrait)

Here it comes
The urge to turn off and breathe through my mouth until the sun sets and I finally brush my teeth

If Nietzsche posed his question properly, then "Is man God's one mistake or is God man's one mistake" suddenly becomes a vibrant debate for kids who put down the hula hoop and started whoring so they could get enough money together to buy their PS3s or Prada bags or college educations.

I sit and think and turn my head into cinnamon and spice oatmeal but for why? Do I not expend energy when I do this and am I not a gigantic fat piece of shit that can afford to sit around and expend energy that the world can't afford to lose because of a self-righteous, self-entitled white guy who knows just how to fix your problems?

Here it comes
The urge to turn off and sing a song to cloud my mind

This is all just an exercise in futility, isn't it? I can't bring anything new to you if you don't know I exist! I can't do what God wants because God is dead. He died more than 2,000 years ago and He ain't never comin' back 'cause He don't want no part of our nonsense.

Show me God and I'll show you a fool showing me what he thinks is God but is really just a figment of society's meta-spiritual mind. Show me God and I'll show you. You'll see.

Here it comes
The urge to offend so deeply that physical pain is befriended by a new companion: anger.

Did you ever stop to think that maybe YOU'RE God? You have as much time and space as you need to prove me wrong. Remember, your argument will absolutely contain preconceived notions that themselves can't be proven.

You will lose, God.

Friday, January 9, 2009

She's at it again!

Click here. Go ahead and do it.

This lady just can't seem to figure it out at all, can she? Just like a good lil' Republican, she blames everybody else but herself.

My favorite part is the comment about Caroline Kennedy. Uhhhhhhhhhh, what in the ever-loving fuck does Palin care how Kennedy is treated by the press? What difference could it possibly make? If Kennedy gets a free pass and the omnipotent liberal media bias is proven true once and for all, then what?

I'll tell you what ... Palin will still be a raging asshole. Granted, she will be a sexy hockey mom raging asshole, but a raging asshole nonetheless.

Kennedy is in contention for the Senate; Palin was a candidate for vice-president! There is a slight difference between the two jobs. And before you say, "Well hold on there! The VP doesn't really do anything!" then just let me say two words to you: Dick Cheney.

I rather hope Palin doesn't go away. In fact, I pray the Republicans nominate her in 2012. Hell, I hope she wins. I can't get enough of the delicious irony.

What irony, you ask?

Why, the white, uptight 30-something conservative males complaining about her unfair treatment in the press because of her gender while secretly wanting to slip their shriveled little dicks into her asshole while Todd is off racing his snow machine. Talk about objectification!

Sarah, keep up the good work.

PS I love you


Sarah Palin and her husband Todd talk about his DUI arrest

Sunday, January 4, 2009

You almost got cancer

Uhh, when did it become OK for a doctor to look you dead in the eyes and say, "It might be nothing or it might be cancer."

That's completely uncool, right?

Well, this little nugget of fun smacked me in the nuts a few weeks ago and I've been quietly freaking out ever since. Turns out I don't have cancer. I have a fatty tumor in my left tibia.

So no big deal. Just maybe some bone grafts and some other shit, but no big deal.

So why did I almost have cancer? Why did my "doctor" feel it was necessary to give me a huge scare with the nonchalance of a rich Puerto Rican girl blowing off a dance with the fat, ugly boy her mom made her invite to her $75,000 Quinceanero?

Because I'm in the motherfucking Navy, that's why.

Guilty until proven innocent. Healthy until proven sick. Lying until proven truthful.

The military operates on a very delicate system of leadership: if I'm in charge, I am better than you. See how delicate that is?

When I go to the doctor onboard my ship, I am immediately assumed to be lying. The reason for this is "malingering." Malingering is when you pretend to be infirmed to get out of work. People in the Navy do it all the time because most people in the Navy have unbelievably shitty jobs.

I, however, do not malinger. I am in a lot of fucking pain and I just want to get fixed.

The reason I'm writing this is because I hope that someone in a position to change this flawed and dangerous system does so. I don't know if military docs swear a Hippocratic Oath, but if they do, they are violating it every day with this reckless behavior.

Can you possibly imagine if I did have cancer? I've been complaining about the pain in my leg for more than two years!

Anyway, I'm grateful for the free health care. Oh, and God - thanks for not giving me cancer. At least not yet.